The Truth

Hey there, Blog.

It's been a while. I haven't been writing. Sorry. Life is chaotic and more difficult than ever. 

I wish I could tell you life is great and we're all happy. I wish I could post pictures of our happy family at the beach frolicking in the waves and tell you how much we love living in California. 

But the truth is, I'm still having a hard time here. Things are getting better, for sure. I don't dream of killing myself every night like I did the first few months here. 

We've had some really happy days and every day the kids make me smile or laugh at least once. We're (veeeeerrry sllloowwllyy) making friends and the kids seem to be doing great in school and at  church.

When I'm at home with the kids, locked safely in our little house, I usually feel secure and happy. Despite the messes and the fights and the crying, I usually enjoy being home with my little ones. But I have so much anxiety when I leave the house. I hate taking the kids anywhere because I'm so afraid of what people will think and say and do to the children and me. Even dropping Drew off at school stresses me out.

And every time I think about our future in California, I feel so hopeless and dark. I've never felt lost for so long, unsure of what to do or where to live or where to be. I feel like I've been walking in the dark for 10 months. 

I miss feeling like my life will improve. I miss feeling like something good is just around the corner. I miss feeling like I am doing the right thing. I miss feeling like God is with me and on my side. I miss faith and I miss hope.

I'm not writing all this to make you worry; so please don't worry. It will all work out someday, somehow. But right now it's not that great. 

Sorry, but that's the truth.

To be continued.