I can't believe how much my perspective has changed in the last five years. Between moving to (super expensive) California, having FIVE kids (in eight years), being totally anxious and depressed, racking up (and paying off) tons of debt, and dealing with other family problems... I've had a lot on my plate.

But I feel like the good news is... I've gone from being completely stressed out (and trying to keep up with the Jones's) to being pretty chill (despite the crazy three ringed circus around me.)  I used to stress and obsess about everything from perfectly coordinating home décor to living my religion perfectly.

I used to try to be perfect.

But I can't do that anymore.

So I don't.

I still have to fight perfectionism every. single. day. But I try to give myself a break (sometimes.)

And life is much better.

THIS ISN'T IT

Hi! I'm back! 

So, here's the BIG NEWS:

LAST WEEK I TURNED 35.

Okay, okay, I know you're like, "Big deal! Chillax, girl. Thirty-five isn't THAT OLD!"

But LISTEN, my friend... Even though my HEAD knows thirty five isn't "that old", my heart feels ANCIENT... and my body just ACHES.

I'M. SO. TIRED!

Maybe thirty five isn't "that old" but... well... I kinda had a (mini) midlife crisis leading up to it. 

I mean, is it just me, or does every day in your mid-thirties feel like Groundhog Day? Every morning (and all through the night) I wake up to some little person demanding something. The kids are CONSTANTLY fighting. I'm ALWAYS nagging. Someone is ALWAYS making a mess. Someone is ALWAYS hungry (or thirsty). Someone peed their pants (again)... And I haven't had a good night's sleep in TEN FRIKIN' YEARS!!!

There's always more laundry and a huge pile of dishes. There are toys to pick up. There's pee (and occasionally poo) on the toilet seat. There's always something broken that demands fixing. 

Oh yeah, and then there's the homework... and practice... and cub scouts... and football games... and church assignments...

I try to stretch, scrimp, and save and I keep an eagle eye on my bank account.. BUT at the end of the month I'm not much closer to a new car or a new house or a trip to Hawaii. 

My body is trashed with stretch marks EVERYWHERE. EVERY calorie counts. My teeth are still crooked... My butt is still fat... And... I'm getting WRINKLES! 

So... for the past few months, as I reflected on my current situation, I couldn't help but ask myself, "IS THIS REALLY IT?"

"IS THIS REALLY THE LIFE I CHOSE?"

"ARE THESE SERIOUSLY THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?"

"If it's all downhill from here, then what the heck is the rest of my life going to be like?"

It all seemed pretty bleak. Certainly nothing worth celebrating.

But, as I tried to plan my exit strategy (a one way plane ticket to Canada? Or Australia perhaps?) I had this little flicker of hope. One week Will slept through the night. Then, the next week, I got to leave the house during the day by myself (and not just to buy groceries.)  

I started to wonder, MAYBE this doesn't have to be IT. Maybe things will get (a tiny bit) easier.

I'm not going to lie, I don't want to face the next couple of years. The next two or three years will probably suck (at least some of the time). 

But I'm OVER HALF WAY done with sleepless nights, with potty training, and with kids at home all day every day. I'm almost done with Cailou, carrying a baby on my hip, kids wiping their snotty noses and sticky hands on my shirt, and with cleaning up spilled juice every. single. day.

And just the thought of OVER HALF WAY DONE is SO liberating. 

Now, when the kids are screaming at each other in the back seat and the baby is crying I tell myself over and over, "This ISN'T IT!" 

I picture us going on vacation without a baby crying the whole time and I think, "THIS ISN'T IT!" I picture us going to Disneyland without a double stroller and diaper bag and I think, "THIS ISN'T IT!" And I picture me leaving the kids with Drew for two hours so I can take a break and I think, "THIS ISN'T IT!"

 

Maybe it is all downhill from here... but maybe downhill is good. (Like... coasting.)

I think I can manage 35.

Thanks for listening.

Hey, 

I miss you.

Sometimes I want to talk to you. I wish I had a day to sit with you and tell you all my stories. It would be such a relief  to tell SOMEONE  the whole truth. Not just the messy, tired, life-with-five-kids stuff, but also the really heartbreaking stuff... The heavy, dark, secret journey I've traveled for the past five years. You'd have a hard time believing it. It's all been so ironic and bitter and strange. On the outside I've been tight-lipped and poker-faced... but there were nights when I wondered if my heart would literally stop.

I think the hardest battles we face in life are the ones we can't talk about... EVER. The most tragic stories of our lives are the ones we  keep locked in our hearts and take to the grave.

The good news is last year things started to get better, and they are getting better still. And I can't believe how much I've grown. And how much perspective and empathy I've gained through it all. I hope I never forget the life lessons I've learned. You literally NEVER know what hell a person is going through from the outside. Not even your closest family. I used to judge people with messy lives, but now I remind myself that you really never know. I used to judge people who made bad  decisions... but now I know sometimes it's just a few steps in the wrong direction and suddenly you're way off course. It can be a roller coaster trying to get your life  back on track. 

But, like I said, it's been over a year and I can feel myself getting stronger now, my life getting more balanced. It feels so good. I remembered a bunch of things I used to love and I'm actually doing them! I'm walking and running outside in the sunshine (and sometimes in the rain), dancing, singing, listening to music, and even playing music again. I'm sleeping more, reading more, riding my bike more, getting outside my comfort zone more. 

I know this isn't the end of the bad stories,, but I'm grateful for a little sunlight peeking through the clouds. I'm going to try to bask in the sun while it's here.

Anyway, thanks for listening. You're such a good listener. Miss you.

XOXO,

Leah