Hey, 

I miss you.

Sometimes I want to talk to you. I wish I had a day to sit with you and tell you all my stories. It would be such a relief  to tell SOMEONE  the whole truth. Not just the messy, tired, life-with-five-kids stuff, but also the really heartbreaking stuff... The heavy, dark, secret journey I've traveled for the past five years. You'd have a hard time believing it. It's all been so ironic and bitter and strange. On the outside I've been tight-lipped and poker-faced... but there were nights when I wondered if my heart would literally stop.

I think the hardest battles we face in life are the ones we can't talk about... EVER. The most tragic stories of our lives are the ones we  keep locked in our hearts and take to the grave.

The good news is last year things started to get better, and they are getting better still. And I can't believe how much I've grown. And how much perspective and empathy I've gained through it all. I hope I never forget the life lessons I've learned. You literally NEVER know what hell a person is going through from the outside. Not even your closest family. I used to judge people with messy lives, but now I remind myself that you really never know. I used to judge people who made bad  decisions... but now I know sometimes it's just a few steps in the wrong direction and suddenly you're way off course. It can be a roller coaster trying to get your life  back on track. 

But, like I said, it's been over a year and I can feel myself getting stronger now, my life getting more balanced. It feels so good. I remembered a bunch of things I used to love and I'm actually doing them! I'm walking and running outside in the sunshine (and sometimes in the rain), dancing, singing, listening to music, and even playing music again. I'm sleeping more, reading more, riding my bike more, getting outside my comfort zone more. 

I know this isn't the end of the bad stories,, but I'm grateful for a little sunlight peeking through the clouds. I'm going to try to bask in the sun while it's here.

Anyway, thanks for listening. You're such a good listener. Miss you.

XOXO,

Leah