Bitter Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday because, between the greedy-candy-grabbing of Halloween and the greedy-present-grabbing of Christmas, Americans are SUPPOSED TO STOP THE GREEDY-GRABBING-MADNESS... And we're SUPPOSED to try to be happy with what we have.

I have to confess I've had a hard time feeling thankful this Thanksgiving season. I've been ungrateful... and maybe even greedy. Actually, I've been kind of bitter this Thanksgiving season... and I know it's my own fault! 

I mean, normally November means I take time every day to write down SOMETHING I'm thankful for. But this November, with all the daily kid-butt-wiping, baby-diaper-changing, pb&j-sandwich-making, filthy-clothes-washing, sticky-floor-mopping, cluttered-Lego-clearing, evening-homework-threatening, and middle-of-the-night-nursing... I made the justification that I just didn't have time to write anything down.

So, instead of being thankful I've been bitter. Today I spent the whole morning feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a housekeeper (like all my neighbors.)

But seriously?! I AM AN IDIOT!

Someone smack me:)

I am healthy! I have a happy, healthy family! I live in the best country in the world! I own a house! I have money in my bank account and I have food in my refrigerator!

(Mmmmmm. Food.)

And, you know, that's all I really need ... and more. 

So I'll try again tomorrow to write something down. 

And I'll try not to worry about the housekeeper. Because, really, housekeeping is an awesome work out... Especially around here. 

And it's no fun to be bitter on Thanksgiving! 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

(I'm feeling SO much better already!)

Arg!

Facebook and Instagram were kind of interesting... Until everyone started posting selfies! 

Arg! My newsfeed is jam packed with selfies! I can't take it anymore!

I think I'll just hang out here by myself on the blog for a little while.

Phew. That's better.

Pizza

For some reason I grew up thinking I could order a baby like I order pizza. I thought when my rich, physician-husband finally set up his private practice, and when I was finally settled into my own perfect, flexible career (complete with great insurance and six months maternity leave) I could place my perfect baby order. 

I would order a healthy, happy, well-behaved little baby girl, with dark curls, bright blue eyes, and long, dark eyelashes. And the stars would align. And immediately I would conceive. And after nine months of pickles and ice cream, the delivery doc would hand me my pain free, problem free, precious little bundle, right on schedule. 

I would take my perfect baby home to her perfect nursery in her perfect designer baby clothes and raise her perfectly. Then, in exactly three years, when my body recovered and when baby one started preschool, I would place my order for perfect baby two. This time I would order a boy. 

But babies aren't pizza.

And life is far from perfect. 

And God doesn't take orders. (Or deliver in 30 minutes or less.)

Babies come when they're ready to come, and when they need to come, and when God wants them to come.

---

When I got married I was only 24 and my husband and I were both still in school. We were starving students, working part-time making seven dollars an hour (without insurance) while we finished our degrees. We lived in the ghetto of Provo across the street from illegal Mexican drug-dealers. 

We were a long way from my dreams of our perfect family, and there were a lot of things I wanted (and thought I needed) to do before we could even think about kids.

Lucky for me, I married Garrit. And lucky for me, God had other plans.

Shortly after our honeymoon, Garrit started to talk about babies. 

The closer I got to graduation, the more he talked, and one day I finally conceded. Maybe we could have baby one a little before schedule, I thought. I just stopped taking birth control pills and, miraculously, two months later we were pregnant.

---

Fast forward nine (insurance-free) stressful but exciting months. 

Medicaid covered the expenses of baby one's birth. Garrit graduated college and got a crappy job babysitting teenagers while he applied for grad school. 

We were still poor. We both had our bachelors degrees but Garrit needed a masters. There was still a lot to do. And I didn't want to order another baby until he had a job and we had careers, and a house, and insurance.

---

Fast forward again seven years (two and a half years unemployed in grad school, and four and a half years at crappy jobs with terrible insurance).

We FINALLY graduated (me with my bachelors and him with his masters),  and he is FINALLY on the path to a good career, and we FINALLY have a house... 

And every night I tuck my FOUR sleeping stinkers into their beds and thank God I didn't wait for life to be perfect before we ordered started our family. 

---

Yes getting pregnant again... and again... and again... with hardly any money and without health insurance was stressful... but we made it work.

After my first child, the babies just came when they came. It wasn't ever planned and it wasn't ever perfect. And I don't regret any of it.

---

I'm not saying every couple should have kids right away, or have as many children as close together as we did. 

I'm just saying I'm so I'm glad we didn't wait until life was perfect. Because it never will be. 

And I'm glad we didn't wait until I was finished with my to-do's. Because my list is never ending. 

---

In the end, through the stress, and the surprises, and the prayers and the faith and the miraculous births of my four miraculous children, I've come to know and trust God. And as I stopped trying to control my life and make things perfect, I learned God is in control and He has something else in mind for us all. 

Thank goodness I can't order babies like I order pizza.

A Happy Ending

This morning I wanted to get things done. I wanted to get things done SO BAD! I spent all WEEK planning the things I would check off my list once Saturday rolled around. 

But instead of doing the dishes this morning, I spent my morning consoling crying Lucy after Lily pushed her over onto the tile floor.

And instead of giving Drew a quick haircut, I spent over an hour chasing him all over the house with the buzzers and scissors, yelling at him to, " JUST SIT DOWN!"

I never did finish his haircut.

And instead of cleaning the garage, I cleaned up Halloween candy and wrappers all morning. (Drew is an AMAZING treasure-hunter. He found the hidden loot and ate most of the bag.)

Oh yeah, and speaking of candy...

Instead of vacuuming this morning, the kids had a Lord-of-the-Flies-style-Halloween-candy-mutney, so I spent my morning breaking up the fights and saving the younger children from impending doom. 

(Here are the " littluns" trapped in a cage by the "bigun".)

I did a lot of swearing this morning when Owen kept trying to take EVERYTHING out of the fridge and pour it on the floor. 

But then...

We left.

We left the house and the dishes and the haircut and the messy garage and the candy wrappers and sticky mess outside the refrigerator and the the check list...

And we went to Santa Barbara. 

And the terrible morning turned into a happy ending. 

Here are the pictures:)

And we lived happily ever after...

Until tomorrow morning. (Because now I have to clean up AND get the kids ready for church in the morning.)

*Loooong Siiiiigh*

Goodnight!

Cool Stuff with Old Friends

What is the thing I miss most about living in Utah? 

I. Miss. My. FRIENDS!!! 

Sniff, sniff.

Thankfully, we live close to cool stuff...  So our friends come to visit sometimes.

They come to see the cool stuff, and we trick them into hanging out with us:)

We had a lovely time with these two, eating and talking and acting like 12 year-olds at City Walk.

Who wants to come see the cool stuff (and play with us) next?

Friendly Passengers

Don't you love it when your kids get along? (At least for long enough for you to take a picture?)

This one's from the train at the Santa Barbara Zoo earlier this month.

Aren't they cute?

Pet Petting and Pumpkin Picking

For a girl who doesn't really care for pumpkins or candy or Halloween... I've sure been spending a lot of time at the pumpkin patch, eating candy, and taking my kids to these EXPENSIVE Halloween-themed-parent-traps. Sigh. The things we do for our kids:) 

I think the kids had fun at this one. Here are the pics.

Dad and Mom, however, didn't have as much fun.

Haha. 

Lesson learned.

Happy pumpkin picking, everyone!

Cornbelly's

When it comes to corn mazes, pumpkin patches, hayrides, and Halloween, UTAH DOESN'T MESS AROUND!

We had a great time at Cornbelly's Corn Maze this weekend. Here are the pics.

Our Old Utah House

Today the kids said goodbye to their old Utah house. 

At first I didn't love our old Utah house. At first it was just... well... OLD... with chipped white formica, stained linoleum, gold, dated EVERYTHING, and ugly, dog-urine-soaked blue carpet. 

Actually, at first, I kinda hated that old Utah house.

But then we got to work. We tore down and re-built, we drywalled and sanded and primed and painted and cut and nailed and caulked and tore up and replaced and refinished and reworked and tiled and plumbed and weeded and planted...

And then, at the very end, I LOVED it! I loved that Utah house! 

I mean, what's not to love? It's SO CUTE on the inside. And it's in a PERFECT location, with a GREAT backyard, and AWESOME neighbors.

Sigh. 

So, it was hard to say goodbye today.

But we can't live in two states at once. 

And we can't pay two mortgages any more. 

So, we're renting it. 

I'm glad we came to Utah to meet the new tenants. They're awesome.

I think they'll love our old Utah house. 

Green Mom

Being the mother of these four little kids (ages seven, four, two, and eight months) sure helps me remember the things that matter most...

Yes, yes, I sure do remember those things that matter most... BECAUSE THEY ARE THE THINGS I NEVER DO!!!

You know, those things at the bottom of Maslow's pyramid... I don't do any of those things these days. I don't do the eating, or sleeping, or getting dressed, or exercising, or taking a shower, or going outside. 

The good news is, I'm very Eco-friendly now.

I don't ever eat out, so I use less plastic, packaging, and energy.

In fact, my diet of leftover peanut butter and jelly crusts and half eaten string cheese has reduced landfill waste by 300 pounds this year.

I don't sleep at night which makes me SO empathetic to the plight of endangered nocturnal animals like the Blue Sided Tree Frog, New Zealand Kiwi Bird, and Wooly Flying Squirrel. I'm TOTALLY donating Garrit's next paycheck to the NWF.

I don't shower, so I use WAY less water! And I don't have time to drink water! Sometimes I even forget to brush my teeth, so, WOW! I am good at saving water!

I frequently fall asleep in my clothes, and then I wander around the house in the same grubby t-shirt and leggings for days. Just think of all the water I am saving by like NEVER washing my clothes!

I seldom bathe my children or wash their clothes either! Boy oh boy I am GREAT at saving water!

I don't go to the gym so I am saving TONS of energy. I don't need a gym because, well, I am always sweating as I try to wrestle the scissors and knives out of my children's hands. 

And I NEVER leave the house. I'm always here because someone is always taking a nap... And it's always NOT me!

I am so Eco-friendly I might actually LITERALLY be turning green. 

Aren't you proud?

...

But seriously, it's crazy around here. I miss the things that matter most...

Selfies

Drew taught Lily how to use the camera on my phone. Now she always has my phone, and she's always taking pictures! As of tonight, I think I have 1,000 Lily selfies on my camera roll. I should probably tell her to stop... But some of the pictures she takes are HILARIOUS! And some of the pictures she takes are, well, priceless. I'm happy that, at this moment in her life, she thinks she is worthy of so much storage space. I love that girl.

Party in the LBC!

I love these humans. 

For his birthday, Garrit went to Utah to watch the BYU vs Utah football game and when he got back we spent the day in Long beach doing this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And this...

And finally this...

This was my favorite part...

Such a fun birthday! 

Here We Are

You know the kind of frantic purse shaking you do when you're late and you can't find your keys in your bag? So you turn the whole purse upside down and you shake 'till the insides come out? And the cards and change and crumbs and keys are all in a heap on the floor? But you don't even care because you're in such a hurry and all that matters is YOU FOUND YOUR KEYS?

Well...

My life is the purse... Our home is the keys... And we are the heap. 

We've found the keys. We're here. We have a place to live. And everything else is a mess. The crumbs and fishy crackers and change and cards are everywhere... but we're here. We're here in California. Garrit is happy. The kids are happy. And I'm trying to sort the rest out. 

I wish I had a day to do nothing but write.  So much has happened since my last post; so many events and so many emotions. I think writing would help me sort it all out. 

But writing will have to wait... Because there is a baby to nurse and two babies to change and four little mouths to feed. And dishes to do and laundry to do and shopping to do and homework to do and lunches to pack and boxes to unpack and baths and hugs and kisses to give. And life to live. 

Sigh. 

It's been a hard move. But I'm hoping for the best.

I Haven't Told You About Lucy Yet...

I haven't told you about Lucy yet.

I just haven't had time.

My life is moving so fast.

In the blink of an eye, I went from this:

To this:

Haha. But really, that's how I feel.

 

Anyway, her birth was amazing. She was my second water baby and her birth was (by far) my easiest birth. After my midwife broke my water, she literally fell out in less than three minutes.

 

Her birth was fast, and ever since she came into the world my life has been moving on fast forward. Every day feels like a marathon. (And every day feels like deja vu.)

 

I wish I could slow it all down. I wish I could enjoy it more. I wish I could pause the moments when she is sleeping soundly in my arms. Or when she is smiling at me with her twinkling eyes and her tongue sticking out. I wish I could just hold her and relax and forget all the millions of things I have to do (dishes, laundry, diapers, cleaning, packing, organizing, de-cluttering, spackling, priming, painting, bill paying, loan shopping, house hunting).

 

I love everything about her... her dark curly hair with the little bald spot in the back, her double chin, her teensy long fingers, her chubby rolley-polley thighs, her crooked little toes, and her wonderful baby smell. She smiles and coos at me while the other kids are simultaneously destroying my house, physically attacking me from every side, and verbally abusing me. (Aren't kids great?)

 

Anyway, Lucy is the breath of fresh air I need every day. 

 

I. love. her. so. much.

 

And I hope she never grows up. 

 

 

California, Here We Come

You would think I'd be excited about moving.

I mean, for the past thirteen years I've been gushing about how WONDERFUL California is. The weather is so nice... And my parents are there... And there's so much to do...

But right now I just feel numb.

It's so weird how every aspect of the move has fallen into place... the timing... the job... the housing market...everything.

I should feel really good about it all... It's totally meant to be...

And yet I'm still so stressed and insecure.

I'm worried that I'll hate it. I'm worried that we really can't afford it. I'm worried that it'll be too hard on all of us. I'm already a complete basket case trying to keep my four little ones alive. Will we survive the move???

I guess I have no choice... I can't stop it now.

It's too late. The ball is rolling.

I. just. have. to. jump.

Little Princess Spiderman Did It!

Owen is almost two now. I forgot how cute and completely insane two year old boys are. One minute he is ferociously roaring like a dinosaur, and the next minute he is cross dressing in Lily's sparkly princess gowns and hot pink fairy wings (complete with gaudy, poorly applied make-up).

He is talking up a storm and is obsessed with Spider-Man. At church on Sunday, his nursery school teacher sat all the children in a circle so they could  introduce themselves. When it was Owen's turn, the teacher asked him his name. Owen looked at the teacher and in his deepest, darkest, most sinister two year old voice said, "I'm Spider-Man!"

He keeps me on my toes by constantly unrolling the toilet paper, throwing things in the toilet, dumping cups of juice onto the floor, climbing on the table to forage after every meal, and attacking his baby sister when my back is turned. He is very bright and is learning a lot from his older siblings. For example, when I ask him questions like, "Owen, did you take my cell phone and hide it in the sugar bowl?" His answer is usually, "Uh, no, no, Mom. Drew did it!"

Lucky for him, he's really cute. I think I'll keep him for at least another year...

Should we stay or should we go.... to California?

Well, I had another baby! Yay!

You're probably thinking, "Didn't she just have a baby?"

Yes. Yes I did. Oh my gosh, I know. It's crazy. I have four kids. We are officially a big family!

Anyway, the day we brought baby Lucy home from the birthing center, our house became incredibly teeny and our lives became ridiculously busy. I started to think, "Why am I trying to raise four kids in this tiny house?" and my husband started to think, "Why is my wife trying to raise four kids without her mother? She needs help!"

So, we've been taking about moving our family to California. We certainly couldn't get a bigger house there... but the kids could play OUTSIDE which is just as good as having a bigger house in my book. And we would be closer to my parents.

The crazy thing is my husband REALLY, REALLY wants to move there. He says he's been thinking about it for a while and it feels right. And he wants to go NOW! (These are very unusual statements coming from a man who said he would never, EVER move outside of Utah.)

So now he is looking for jobs and I am looking for houses to rent (or buy).

But my question is... Are we crazy?

I mean, I know we are crazy but... are we crazy to want to move to one of the most expensive and liberal states in the nation? It seems like everyone my age left California to come to Utah for a better life. It's cheaper to live here, the job market is pretty good, and there are more conservative Mormon families.

Who knows if we'll really go. This might just be winter talking.